Living in this world without you
by vamp-fiction-fan
Summary: Edward left during New Moon and Bella eventually decided to move on. But how do you get over the love of your life? You don't. Rated M for further content. First fanfic, I hope you'll enjoy! lousy summary, the story is way better
1. Chapter 1

BPOV

It's been 3 years, 5 months, 2 weeks, 4 days and approximately 13 hours since I've last seen Edward. Hour by hour, day by day, I've lost all hope of ever seeing him again. They say hope is the last to die. Does that mean I'm dead? Yes, it does. Bella Swan is dead. She'll never forgive him, but she'll try her best to forget and move on.

_About one year ago...._

Dartmouth was easy to blend into. No one noticed you if you didn't want to be noticed. Correction: it was easy not to be noticed if you were as plain and boring as I was. Nobody disturbed my silent brooding except my roommate Andrea. I've done everything in my hands so as to get a single room, but of course our campus was full and I had to settle for sharing and apartment.

Most girls would have been delighted to have Andrea as a roommate, I am perfectly aware of that. The girl is a clean freak, a brain and a shopaholic, all in one. Sometimes it made me wonder whether she was some sort of distant relative of a girl I once knew and loved. Luckily, i knew she was an international student from a little East-European country named something that began with 'R', but not Russia. I brushed that thought from my mind and took my sleeping pills. God knows I need them so I don't wake up at night screaming his name.

Between classes, homework and my drug-induced sleep, I managed to find a job that would keep my mind busy for a few hours each day and help me support myself financially. I had hated being so dependent on Charlie and Renee and Phil. My life went on like that for a while.

Luckily, Jacob joined me at Dartmouth. I was happy to see that at least he had a normal life. He and my roommate Andrea had something going on from the first moment their eyes met. I couldn't really pinpoint what exactly was going on between them, but they didn't seem to feel the need for intimacy and so we all spent a lot of time together. One particular night, we went out to a recently opened karaoke bar and we all got drunk. Take that, Cullen, teetotaller Bella would've never done that. That's twice in 10 days, if I recall properly. I was surprised that when we got home, Jacob didn't only walk us to the door of our flat, but he and Andrea started a serious tongue-match and he decided to crash. Actually, I don't think either of them really decided anything, since they were probably too drunk to count to ten. Thankfully, they were still sober enough to ignore my presence. As far as I was concerned, sleep was the only thing on my mind at the moment, since the high concentration of alcohol in my blood had previously meant a dreamless night's sleep, which was a great deal more precious for me than the hangover I was bound to have in the morning.

Speaking of morning, I was surprised to wake in a toasty-warm hug. I knew without a doubt that Jacob was holding me. Why he had chosen to crash in my bed was beyond me, when he had a more than willing Andrea just across the room. I opened my eyes to see her sleeping, sprawled all over the bed as usual. I closed my eyes and for a moment, my mind tried to imagine those hot arms as ice-cold while my ears tried to ignore the sound of the heartbeat beating steadily in the hard chest against my back. I opened my eyes again, realising that it was all nothing but daydreaming. I also realised that had been the only thing I've done with my life since he left, even if I had promised to myself that I'd move on. How much more time I was going to waste on living in my dream world? For a moment, a scenario wandered into my mind.

_ A girl spent her life pining after the most beautiful creature on the face of the Earth wondering why he didn't love her. She wasted her life waiting for her end, hoping that it will bring her poor, shattered heart some peace. One day, her life does end. She's weak and the only thing she has the strength of moving is her gaze. It travels to a mirror in her room, the room she hadn't changed a bit since her adolescence. And in that mirror, she does not see herself, but the man she had loved her whole miserable life, as perfect and as incredibly beautiful as he'd been the moment he left her. She reads disgust in his eyes and she closes hers, unable to withstand his sour expression. Still, she reminds herself that this is the face she has spent her life praying to see again. She opens her eyes, only to see that he is not alone. The most beautiful of all feminine creatures is by his side. He puts his hand around her hips and leans down to kiss her perfect pink lips. They lock gazes, and a blind man could see the love shining in their eyes. The old woman sobs, realising that the love of her life had found his equal in beauty, talent, and nature. She feels her heart beating faster than it has in years and she knows. She slowly closes her eyes and as she does so, she sees the two of them mocking her, holding hands while laughing at her moribund form. _

Just as the movie in my head ended, I decided I would not be that girl. I would live a normal life just to taunt them. I will do everything they won't ever be able to do: live amongst people, with no concern of the weather, have children, die. I know they want all that. I know that even for them, eternity will become too much eventually.  
I opened my eyes and realised I would forever remember that day, for that was the day Bella Swan died. Of course, that's not literally. I love my parents too much to do such a thing. But I decided to build a new me and that college was the perfect place and time to do so. Nobody knew Bella Swan there, so it should have been easier than I expected. And it was.

_  
Back in the present_

These days, everybody knows me as "Isa". Not "Isabella" and certainly not "Bella". Just "Isa". I made a big show of throwing away all things that made me Bella Swan, from the shampoo I use to the colour of my hair and eyes. I never get out without my deep blue contacts lenses anymore. Choosing a new hair colour was an easy task. Black wouldn't do, it was too close to my real colour, and blonde… it wouldn't have suited me. So I chose red. Not fiery red, but crimson red. Like the blood they consume. Like the blood that runs to my veins. This way, the hair is my very own symbol. It was the mental equivalent of cutting my wrists, as I've so many times wished I could.

There were so many interesting, intelligent people there, that I could always find something to talk about with virtually everyone. Since I decided to kill the Bella Swan he knew, I figured that meant the promises I –no, she- made to him as well. I took up extreme sports, and I fell in love with the feelings they caused. The only thing I didn't enjoy about bungee and sky diving was that the only thing I could compare the rush of adrenaline was one of his kisses. I didn't mention his name anymore. He was dead to me, and people don't mention the dead. What I most enjoyed was opening my parachute just seconds later after I was supposed to. The sensation that you hold your life in your hands that you could end it at any time, and yet choose not to was extraordinary.

Luckily, I had the right person to share the excitement with. Jacob had made my life palatable. I could always laugh with him by my side. Moreover, he made me feel safe. He was my best friend and I was his. We talk about everything and anything, including his love life. That certain aspect sometimes made me wonder whether he sees me as one of his buddies, not as a girl who is his friend. Either way, I decided I didn't really care as long as he was there for me.


	2. Chapter 2

APOV

I was sitting on the sofa in the living room of our newest residence. We'd just bought a small villa in the outskirts of Paris since everyone in the family seemed to think that the location will at least make me happy. Still, no one was surprised that even my shopping madness ebbed after being forced apart from the best friend I ever had. I still don't understand why we all decided to listen to Edward, but he did have a point. Maybe Bella will be better off without us all since he was adamant in not returning. The rest of us being there would always both endanger her and never let her forget about him.

I took advantage of the fact that he was gone on one of his rare feeding sprees and took the liberty of saying in my head all those things I would've wanted to tell him, but knew that would hurt him too much. I tried to imagine how I would feel if I were in Bella's shoes right now and Jasper had left me. I shuddered and Jazz, who was sitting right across from me, reading, noticed or more exactly felt my pain. Loving as always, he walked to me and hugged me.

"I'll never leave you, and you know it."

He sent me a big wave of calm and love as he whispered that into my ear. I had been blessed, from the first moment I saw him I knew he was the one. And he really has been the one constant presence in my life ever since, even if that implied having to change his whole lifestyle for me. Knowing that every day is a struggle to him, a war that he fights with himself for my sake, makes me love him even more. I told him that and he smiled. It was the first real smile I'd seen on him since that fateful night. We all told him it wasn't his fault, but he wouldn't hear it. I didn't need to be a mind reader to know that he was taking the responsibility of having ruined Bella and Edward's relationship, since Edward had been repeatedly trying to convince him that something similar was bound to happen eventually. Sadly, those were some of the few occasions in which my brother talked. Of course, he was always the silent type but now that silence was disturbing. He didn't play the piano anymore either. He tried one, shortly after our departure.

_It had been little under one month since we left. We were all busy with things around the house, trying to busy our minds, as always. Esme and I were in the living room, looking over some blueprints for a vacation house in the Amazonian jungle. Edward had just come back from a hunt with Jasper and Carlisle. Even if we tried to be subtle around him, I'm sure my brother must have noticed Jasper's gaze stopping on me. He half-smiled. I knew he had remembered that it was what we called our "anniversary". Each year, we celebrated the day we met. It was more valuable to us than any other day. It was the day or lives truly began. The day we found our home in each other's arms. Although a bit happy Jasper remembered, it made me sad to see Edward cringe at what he must've seen in our minds. His eyes focused on something in front of him, but I knew that he was only bodily there. His mind was where he'd left his heart, in a small town near Washington. We were getting worried that all this reminiscence might make him snap and go insane. Lord knows nothing is more dangerous than a crazy vampire, but we weren't afraid for ourselves. We had no reason to do so. But we did worry for him. I tried to see what he was going to do next, and then I was pleased to see a calm but sad Edward playing the piano. Just as my vision faded, Edward walked to the piano and sat on the chair. What followed had everyone rush to the room. His fingers produced the most beautiful yet heartbreaking song we'd ever heard. I tried to figure out if it was a lullaby or a funeral song. I realised it was both. While Jasper and I celebrated the day we met every year, Edward would forever both curse and cherish the day he met Bella. I knew my brother. I knew that his love for her would never fade away and that he would never as much as glance at another woman. For just one moment, I started to think that maybe being happy for such a short while wasn't worth the pain Edward will most probably have to live endure throughout eternity. What I didn't realise is that the music was changing. It was getting more and more violent. His hands travelled across they keyboard frantically. I could do nothing, because I saw it a moment before it happened: Edward ruined the piano, sobbing and shaking his head. I realize he was silently answering my unspoken question, which made me feel sad and embarrassed at the same time. I had just rubbed the cruel facts in my hurting brother's face. _

Moments later, Edward and Carlisle returned from their hunt. Carlisle had to literally drag Edward out of his room. He usually had to bring Bella into his arguments, but since Edward cringed at hearing her name, none of us ever mentioned it anymore; he only said things like "She wouldn't want you to do this" or "She would want you to take care of yourself."

Today had not been different. Edward seemed to want nothing more than to be left alone, in a useless attempt to starve himself to deaf. Still, something was going to happen. I could feel it. There were a lot of plans boiling into his mind, but they were changing too quickly for me to catch little more than bits and pieces. Finally, one of them became clear.

"No you are not! " I practically screamed.

His decision must have been influenced by something one of us had just thought. Still, who influenced his decision was the least important thing right now because the most important thing was to convince him to change his mind.

"You will not leave us. You can't even take care of yourself."

"Alice..."

That was the last coherent thing I heard, I mean really heard. I don't think blacking out is possible for a vampire, but what I felt was very similar. I couldn't reattach myself to the present, and all my senses except the one that made me different were ... hazy, to say the least. I could hear my family and Jasper yelling at me but it was as if I was submerged in water. But at least I could see. And what I was seeing was tragic. Bella was dead. I couldn't see her, no matter how hard I tried and that could only mean one thing. Her future ceased to exist. She was dead. I tried to find something prior to that moment, to find out when it would happen and what I could do to prevent that because nothing could stop me from trying to save her. I wrecked my brains and still had nothing. I fell to my knees and sobbed. Edward was also on the floor, but he was curled in a ball, his body sobbing uncontrollably and murmuring words no mortal would've had a chance of hearing.

"No.... No... Not her... Not Bella... No God, please, not her....No, God...No..."

Everybody else was grieving as well, and I could see on Jasper's face that the whole situation was beyond everything he'd ever felt before. Right now, his gift was more of a curse than mine or Edward's had ever been. Speaking of which, Edward seemed to have calmed down, hiding his pain in himself again. He was now sitting on the floor, hugging his knees and rocking back and forth.

" There's no God..." He declared. As heartbroken as we all were now, I couldn't let him think that. Bella wouldn't have wanted him to think that way.

_"No, Edward, there is. He Is just not as merciful as we thought Him to b__e"_ I thought at him, getting close enough to hug him. Over his shoulder, I looked at the rest of our family. Carlisle was comforting Esme and , strange as it may seem, Emmett was holding a sobbing Rosalie, an incredulous expression on his face. I didn't know whether he was surprised by Rosalie's reaction or by Bella's sudden demise. Maybe both. Jasper placed his hand on my shoulder, then sat on the floor beside me and hugged me from had to be unitesd now that everything was lost for our friend and brother. We knew he'd need us now more than ever.

Esme and I had been planning to move back in South America, thinking that maybe if there was just one continent between them, Edward would have eventually caved in and went back to Forks. It was all in vain now. My sister, his mate, was forever gone. And I feared what would become of this family now. But most of all, I feared for Edward. I only hoped we wouldn't have to go though extreme measures to keep him safe. There had to be a God out there. His help was the only thing that could help our family survive this.

* * *

Hello again. I apologise it took so much time to update. Thing is, I'm a senior and I have a lot of exams in the near future so I hope you'll cut me some slack. Chapter 3 is almost finished too, but there are still some loose ends I need to tie before I publish it as well.

In the meantime, I want you do so something for me and that is to review. I'm a bit sad since I've had more people than I expected reading the first chapter but no one reviewed it. I know that bing my first fanfic, it might suck, but if it does, please tell me. On the other had, if you like it, please tell me as well. It doesn't have to be anything huge, just "I like it"/"it's nice"/"I hate it"/"It sucks" would be more than enough. ** Thank you for reading.**

**Adrienne**


	3. Chapter 3

EPOV

* * *

I dreaded this moment from the first time I looked at her and realized that what I felt for this intriguing human was nothing more, nothing less than love. Even from that moment, I knew this second would come, and that it would crush me.

Bella was dead. Alice said so. She said that one moment, she was safely in her bed and the next she was gone. Try as she might, she just couldn't see her anymore. She couldn't even see how she died. She said that maybe it was either some sudden health issue or a natural catastrophe-but none of that had happened recently, we checked, for what reason, I do not know. They all tried to comfort me that it was an accident, and that it had been fast, else she'd have seen it. When I heard that I was furious that it didn't matter to me what or who was responsible for her demise. I was seething and I wanted revenge. I wanted to avenge Bella's death. Whether it was a Doctor that gave a faulty diagnostic or some sort of other medical error, my Bella was dead. And I wanted nothing more than to obliterate the being that took her away from this world. I had just made that plan when I heard it. It was crystal clear and as loud as if she were in the same room with me.

"Don't, Edward. You said you didn't want to be a monster."

I spun around, hoping for a miracle. The room was empty. Yet it did sound like her. I'd just imagined it. Or maybe my tormented mind was merely trying to cling to her memory so hard that I began hallucinating. I pushed that thought in the back of my mind. I listened intently and realized that I really was alone .When had they all gone away? It didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore. My Bella was dead. A new idea occurred, only to be quickly forgotten since Alice was never wrong, as much as it pained me to admit it. She'd stopped seeing Bella, no matter how hard she tried. I was alone, in a world too empty without my angel.

Still, there was one thing I absolutely had to do and that was say goodbye properly. I closed my eyes, trying to summon the strength I'd need to be able to get close to her lifeless body and gaze at the shell that had remained of my very heart and soul. She'd be whiter than ever and stiller than I could ever manage to be. Of course, my first impulse would be to extend my arm and touch her beautiful face. Touching her like that always made her blush. I'm sure the last pieces of my already shattered heart will crumble to dust at the feel of her ice-cold skin. Most likely, she'd be colder than me. This image of a Bella devoid of her blush made me release another sob, first of many. Up until now, I have been furious, hurt, and anxious for revenge.  
Now, I realised that not only will I not want to live without my Bella, but that I won't be able to. The sole reason I survived after my departure was that I wanted to wait until my love passed away, to go to her grave and confess my everlasting love to her spirit, ask for forgiveness and say my last goodbyes before I too left this world. My only chance was that maybe, just maybe, Carlisle had been right. If I had a soul and if there really was a God out there, He wouldn't part me from Bella in the afterlife. As soon as I'd have said my goodbye, I'd have flied to Volterra and done anything in my hands to be slaughtered. There was no other way. I have lived knowing she was miles away, carrying on with her life, thinking that I didn't want her. That I didn't love her. But to know that she was not amongst the living anymore, that I could not bear. I refuse to live without her in this world.  
I heard a sob and stopped any movement. It must have been mine, since it stopped immediately. Still, it reminded me of something. Memories flooded my brain, breaking my unbeating heart once more.

_  
Bella lying on the ground in the forest, crying. I have been afraid of what might happen to her if she were to remain in the shadows of the forest and stayed, watching over her from a safe distance, not that she ever lifted her head to look around. I spent hours listening to her cry, and sob when there were no more tears to shed. Still, I couldn't do anything. I was afraid that being out in the rain for so long would get her sick, but there was nothing I could do to get her out of harm's way without alerting her of my presence, and I knew for sure I couldn't look into her crying eyes and lie to her again. It killed me to see her suffering, but I prayed with all my heart and soul that she'd forget about me soon. She'd be much better without us, without me. After all, what could I have given her? I would most likely have ended up killing her or damning her for eternity. Or, in the least possible case, I could have spend a lifetime with her, giving her anything a woman could want except what all women want more than anything. I had seen firsthand how both Esme and Rosalie reacted when they saw a pregnant woman or children. Rosalie never let it show, but I saw in her head how envious she was of the woman. I even imagined Bella leaving me at some point in order to create a life with someone who could give her that. I also imagined her resenting the life she spent with me due to that absence. I had thought about everything and anything about her until the dog found her. He knew I was there, and realised what I was doing. He somehow knew I could read minds, for he addressed me in his mind. Maybe the Quelleute elders really had told their children everything about us.  
_

_"Go now. She will be taken care of."  
_

_ I nodded my head at him in acknowledgement, just as he was picking Bella up. After one last glance at her, I turned around and ran as fast as I could._

My reminiscing stopped when I heard a sob. My family still wasn't anywhere near home, for I couldn't hear any thoughts. Still, the sobbing didn't stop, it only got louder. Then, for the second time that day, I heard something I never thought I'd hear again.

"Please, Edward, don't do anything reckless or stupid."

Her voice again, repeating my words. The words I'd said to her only seconds before leaving her. She was mocking me. Could she be there? Did she come back to haunt me? I didn't believe in ghosts, but still... vampires weren't supposed to be real either. I spun around, not knowing what I was looking for. Maybe some sort of a hazy form, some foggy version of the love of my life? I've heard of lots of ghost sightings, but I'd never given them much thought. There was nothing to see. I still had to find out if I was going crazy or not. I called out into the silence.

"Bella?"

"Yes..."

She sounded a bit playful, like she was mocking me, saying something like: "Who else?" Still, her tone wasn't harsh. It sounded even closer. I saw movement to my right and turned. There she was, beautiful as ever, looking just like she did the night of our prom, excepting the fact that now she didn't have that ugly cast. I suppose that to human eyes she would have looked real, but mine were able to tell the difference. It was as if she was made out of something similar to water. Her movements were fluid and gracious. She was no longer tripping on her own two legs. I missed that, since it meant I had to catch her, to save her. I raised my hand and tried to touch her face. It shouldn't have surprised me that it went right through her skull, but it did. Our eyes locked and I could still see the beautiful soul I fell in love with. The amount of emotion in her gaze warmed my dead heart for a moment.

Soon, the moment passed and I couldn't decide if I was happy or sad to see her. On the one hand, it could only mean one of two things: either I was going crazy, or my Bella had died and somehow her spirit managed to find me. I hoped for the latter, even though it intrigued me. Why would she do that? She must have hated me for leaving her. After all, she did believe all the lies I told her. I could see it in her eyes. On the other hand, I feared what she might want with me. Would she want to torment me or to help me survive her loss? Or maybe this was some sick game Fate was playing on me? To get paid for all my sins by being hated, even after death, by the one I loved most? Or to just be cursed to be able to see her and hear her sweet voice, but not to be able to hold her, kiss her, caress her ? If that was the case, fate, or God, or whatever force ruling the Universe had got it dead on. Eternity with Bella and still without her would be excruciating but it was enough to keep me alive. My suicidal plan was soon forgotten. She hadn't said anything for a while. I remembered all the times in which we sat in silence, lost in each other's gaze. I reminded myself those times were lost and that I'll never see her again. That was the only moment I felt I was blessed for vampire memories. If I managed to convince her to stray with me, I would carry on living. I had to make sure.

"Love, are you going to stay with me?"

I asked, hoping that I would never be bereft of her again.

"Always."

There I had it. Bella was dead and her spirit intended to remain by my side. If I could, I would have cried at the notion. I had to tell her the truth.

"Bella, love, I'm so very sorry. I ... I lied to you in the worst possible way."

"I know why you left. I forgive you. I love you too."

She sounded calm, peaceful. There were no longer tears in her voice. She must have known that I no longer contemplated suicide. But I didn't tell her anything about that. And I was almost completely sure that I planned my demise in my mind, without uttering a single word. The irony of the situation hit me. She could do the one thing I would have given almost anything to be able to do to her. She could read my mind.

"Yes".

A soft giggle reached my ears. She sounded so much like so much time ago, in those short respites between the life-threatening dangers she could always place herself in. She sounded...happy. I smiled a bit at the thought. I decided my family should not know of all this. They wouldn't understand. And they'd probably think I had gone crazy. I knew they loved me, but I still feared their reaction. Crazy vampires were usually considered dangerous and extreme measures were usually taken to exterminate them. I knew they would do it if they thought I was a danger to myself and to the secrecy of vampirism. I had to get away from them as soon as possible. I just had to see if Bella, my Bella, would want really follow me anywhere.

"Love, we need to get away from the family. They wouldn't understand."

"You're right." She lowered her gaze and continued. "They wouldn't..." Seeing the pain in her eyes sent a knife to my insides. I was at a loss as to what I could possibly do to comfort her now. She raised her head and smiled. "I'm with you, Edward. I'll see you soon."

Right then, I started to hear my family's thoughts somewhere getting closer. They would soon be home. Fortunately for me, Alice wasn't with them. I had to go before she figured out my plan. Still, I couldn't leave without letting them news of what I planned. I walked to the desk in Carlisle's study and grabbed a pen and a piece of paper. For a moment, I contemplated what to tell them. I settled for the truth, or at least that part of it that wouldn't have freaked them out.

"I'm sorry for leaving in such a hurry. I just wanted to be alone. I love you all, but I just can't live like this anymore. Please forgive me.  
Edward."

I grabbed the keys and jumped into my Volvo. I hadn't driven it for so long... since we left, more exactly. Actually, the Volvo had been the only car we've shipped over here, instead of selling and getting a similar, improved model from here. I was reminded why the second I got in it. It still smelled like Bella. The minute I thought her name, she was on her usual seat, in my right.

"Where to?"

She sounded impatient. I smiled at her enthusiasm. Then, I realised I didn't have any idea where we were heading. I remembered a time when I told her that I'd like to take her to see the whole world. Apparently Fate gave us that opportunity.

"Wherever you want to go, love." I answered, truthfully.

"I don't care."

"Wherever the car will take us, then." I answered. She smiled again. God, will I ever tire of seeing her smile?

I started the engine and let destiny happen. My life had meaning again.

* * *

_**Hello again. I'm really happy since I had the time to finish this chapter and update really quickly, since I've had the idea for it since God knows when. I only hope that you'll like it enough to review and tell me that. Or if you hate it, review and tell me what you don't like, maybe I can fix it. Anyway, you get the gist of it: :) . Have a nice day, everyone.**_


End file.
